My mom just stole all my ideas for Christmas gifts for Chaney.

I don't want to give him money because he'd spend it on something stupid.

adklsjdslkfjaslf I worked so hard to think up awesome things that he would love and now I need to start all over.

( [...] I finally found it: the yellow disc that said JUST LISTEN [...] )

I had a splendid argument with mother today. I mean that quite literally, too. Not sarcastically at all.

Let me just start by saying this: I'm always scared. I get scared very easily. I also don't like to admit when I am actually scared, because I don't want to appear weak. This is because my greatest fear is that once the people around me discover my weakness(es), they will leave me.

I was scared. I wasn't ready and I couldn't actually imagine going through with it. Every time my mother brought it up, it felt like she was trying to push me out of the house and rid of me completely. I wasn't emotionally ready. I'm just not strong enough.

She's not trying to get rid of me. The only reason she was pushing me so hard was because she thought that I really wanted this, which I do, only I don't quite feel ready for it now. And you know what? After telling her this, she said the most remarkable thing in the world: It was okay.

You have no idea, how happy I was after hearing that. All this time I've been worrying about letting her down and I honestly think that that is what has been causing my insane moods lately. Now, I feel like everything is going to be okay.

(And I'm really beginning to love that word. Okay.)

I'm not worried anymore. I'm still going to apply to colleges, but I don't think that I'll go, even if I do get in. I think I'm going to stay home awhile and grow up. And you know what? That's OKAY.

So that's it. No more craziness. Problem solved, okay?

( yes, there's more. but isn't that the way it always goes? )

xXx

( perfection )

xXx

I just...wish that someone was there for me now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not several weeks ago...but NOW. I want something more than my mom leaving me alone and my brother constantly antagonizing me and threatening me in all sorts of ways. I hate being alone with him, he honestly scares me when he gets angry. I just...want someone to be able to come over and not complain and just do...whatever with me until my mom decides to stop acting like she's 20. I'm the kid, not her. Where are my friends when she's with hers? I just want to go out for once. She's always complaining that I never do anything, but when I finally get invited to do something or try to do something on my own, she says that I can't go. WTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!! I want to LIVE but I'm never given the chance. Goddammit!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!!

And then I want to go out and never come home. I'm sick of this place, I try to get away as much as I can (which is never). I'm trapped here, forced to do what she's supposed to be doing. I'm sick of being responsible, I'm sick of having to worry about this or that, I WANT TO HAVE FUN!

xXx

On that note, I can't wait until Friday. I'm going out, whether she likes it or not. I think I'm going to go crazy if I have to hear her lecture me about being responsible one more time when she herself is setting a lousy example. I can't wait until Friday. Regardless of what we end up doing, it will amazing.