I'm thinking about myself and about other stuff...I don't know... I feel, I'm not sure how to word it at all. I say stupid too much, I don't get the jokes other people make, I'm incapable of making funny jokes at all. Really, I'm just too self-critical. I can be totally in love with other people and I'll never see their faults the way others do, but I can't help but feel completely and totally inferior to the rest of the human race.

xXx

Everyone wants to be perfect. The perfect singer, the perfect student, the perfect...whatever. And, let's face it, everyone dreams of that perfect friend, the perfect mother/father, the perfect significant other. They say that if you truly care for someone, then their flaws will make you love them more. If that's so, then why do we get so easily annoyed when someone flakes out on us, speaks harshly to us, makes fun of us (in a joking way)? Clearly, those are character flaws, and if we are truly close, they shouldn't bother us. But they do. Why? I'll tell you why: because wanting perfection is humanity's greatest flaw. Let's face it: no one is good enough for anybody else. They are always going to let you down. They're not going to be there when you need them, they're going to stay out too late, they're not going to call you when they stay out until after midnight, and they don't care. I don't know, I'm just in one of my funks again...I tried the whole anti-depressants thing sophomore year, but all they did was make me feel worse, so basically I'm just screwed and I want to scream and break something into a million pieces.

xXx

I just...wish that someone was there for me now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not several weeks ago...but NOW. I want something more than my mom leaving me alone and my brother constantly antagonizing me and threatening me in all sorts of ways. I hate being alone with him, he honestly scares me when he gets angry. I just...want someone to be able to come over and not complain and just do...whatever with me until my mom decides to stop acting like she's 20. I'm the kid, not her. Where are my friends when she's with hers? I just want to go out for once. She's always complaining that I never do anything, but when I finally get invited to do something or try to do something on my own, she says that I can't go. WTFBBQ!!!!!!!!!! I want to LIVE but I'm never given the chance. Goddammit!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!!

And then I want to go out and never come home. I'm sick of this place, I try to get away as much as I can (which is never). I'm trapped here, forced to do what she's supposed to be doing. I'm sick of being responsible, I'm sick of having to worry about this or that, I WANT TO HAVE FUN!

xXx

On that note, I can't wait until Friday. I'm going out, whether she likes it or not. I think I'm going to go crazy if I have to hear her lecture me about being responsible one more time when she herself is setting a lousy example. I can't wait until Friday. Regardless of what we end up doing, it will amazing.