I want to go oversees and teach English to impoverished people; I want to go into the inner cities and, while dodging bullets, teach little stupid kids stuff besides drug dealing and aiming a gun. I want to teach kids that there is something to learning that has nothing to do with standardized tests or regurgitating crudely taught information.

I hate kids. I get plane sick. I can't stand heights. I can't even sit in the parking lot of the Kroger by my house without getting worried about being held up. I have no patience. I'm a picky eater. I think kids have germs. I'm deathly afraid of catching some strange, unknown illness. I've been seriously compared to a hypochondriac. I dislike people who have no desire to go and do things themselves. I'm not strong. I'm scared of weird-looking bugs. I get really scared about stuff. I have no endurance. I'm spoiled. I'm high maintenance. I'm a brat.

I don't want to teach. I don't want to spend my entire life teaching. I don't want to teach pre-school. I don't want to teach elementary school. I don't want to teach middle school. I don't want to teach junior-high or high school or college. I don't want to spend my whole life teaching. I am not meant to teach. I would not be a good teacher. I lack patience to the nth degree. But I want to help. More than anything I want to open new opportunities to whole communities to empower their future. I want to give other children the amazing opportunities that I was because I was taught to learn and not just listen to what people were telling me.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I want more clothes. I want more shoes. I want more books. I want more food. I want more money. I want our house to be paid for. I want money to fix the truck and car. I want a Hello Kitty coffee maker.

I want. I want. I want. I want. I want.

I hate myself right now and I don't know why.