I'm sick of feeling like I have no control. Even when I'm the one making decisions, it feels as if I'm stuck on automatic and it's not actually me making the decision, but rather someone else. I feel like there's just no stopping it and that my whole life is a roller coaster being controlled not by me, but by the force of gravity, just pulling me and everything I hold dear downward and downward, except that at the bottom, there is no curve back up...just something I can't even describe. All I know is that it feels me with this sort of sense of dread. I'm sick of other people telling me what to do; I'm sick of other people making my decisions for me; I'm sick of other people's choices controlling my life; I'm sick of not being able to stop myself from doing whatever the hell it is I'm doing (because I certainly don't know). I'm sick of racing down with no way to stop and no way to control which direction it is I'm going into. I'm going to retake the SAT and ACT because my mother wants me to. I'm going to get a job because my mother indirectly tells me she can't afford me anymore. I'm going to end up going to college wherever the hell she wants me to because she's the one with the (very infinitesimal, almost non-existent) money that will be used to pay for, like a half a day's worth of tuition and I NEED THAT MONEY. I'm going to take the car to college even though Daddy promised me I'd take the truck because she says so. I'm taking a nap because my body has just shut down on its own without consulting me first. The choices of the people around me are dictating my own happiness--my very mood--and I have no way of manipulating that so I feel good about myself. I wish I was three years old again when happiness was just a red, Radio Flier(c) wagon ride away. I wish I could just get myself to slow down for one second so that I could enjoy this beautiful life without worrying or thinking or stressing but for some reason, my body is not listening to my head or my heart or my soul and my future has run off in some unknown direction and, even though I'm trying my hardest to find it, everyone else keeps insisting on pointing me in the wrong direction and turning me upside-down inside-out so that I have no clue where to look for it anymore. I want the sureness and the clarity of mind I had a year ago when I had a plan and I knew that plan was going to happen. Now, that whole plan is in shambles (once again) because of another person who shall not be mentioned who ruined my life. I feel like I can't breath, but I'm actually hyperventilating; I feel like I can't move, but I'm actually going at 175 m.p.h. Why is this happening to me. How come when I try to put something down it ends up stretched out four times as long as I wanted it to be? Why can't I just stop? Why aren't I good enough? Why doesn't he like me? Why does she keep

I lost my train of thought. I can't even keep track of my thoughts anymore. I forget everything. There is simply no point in thinking because as soon as I come up with a thought and try to voice it, it disappears--like everything important in my life. I've been abandoned by all things I hold dear. The few precious things--people, places, memories--that I have are pulling away from me. Why? You may or may not necessarily want to hear me bitch again. It's not really bitching it's just...it was like crying. Sometimes you cry for no apparent reason, but you cry really hard and for a really long while, and then you feel better--drained, but better. And I do.