I just don't get it. You're there for someone. You let them show up at your house and cry on your shoulder. You listen to them complain and rant and bitch. They won't let you do the same. You need them and they make it perfectly clear that they have replaced you in the worst way possible and that they are just going to use you when they need to.

I'm really beginning to wonder if I even want to give out Christmas presents this year. Usually I love to give people stuff, but I've just gotten so much shit from certain people that I don't want to give them anything, but the only way I could get out of that would be to give no one presents. I'm just really angry with the way things are working out.

Clearly I am being used because someone just wants to get stuff from me. I look at her and then I look at three--no four--other people who I am really close with. They are nice to me, they haven't tried to use me, they insist I don't get them stuff or they insist they go out of the way for me. Suddenly I realize she isn't someone I even want to be close to anymore. I don't know her anymore. She asks me for advice and then chews me out for not telling her what she wants to hear. But if I were to lie to her, she would be pissed off as well. I had thought that she was one of my absolute most closest friends--but then I realize she doesn't really like that much about me. Or, at least, that's the impression I get.

Comparing that to someone I met just this past semester. This person likes the way I dress and isn't embarrassed to be seen with me dressed in lolita at all. This person compliments me and doesn't belittle me. This person gives me advice and has so much faith in me regardless of how short a time we've known each other. This person has offered to go out of his way to help me out and do a favor for me because he wanted to--not because I asked or begged or pleaded. I didn't have to.

Comparing this girl to someone I met just over the summer. This person has offered to buy me stuff whenever she goes on trips with her family. She doesn't treat me like I'm some kind of burden. She offers to help me out without me having to ask. She makes me want to be more like her.

Comparing this person to someone I met about the same time as her, four years ago. This person and I have much more similar interests. We've been slighted in the same ways and yet no one seems to notice how wrong it is. We aren't cruel to each other and we don't play ridiculous mind games with each other.

Comparing this person to someone I've known for seven years. Someone who has always been there for me. Someone who is probably exasperated with my quirks but puts up with them anyways because he understands that's who I am. Someone who accepts me and everything I like with an eye-roll and nothing more. Someone who constantly assures me rather than bringing me down.

Looking at this, typed out like it is, I wonder why I bother putting up with certain people in my life. Allowing them to stay there, constantly ignoring the way they slight me... This person is my drug and it's a habit I am more than ready to kick because I am sick of all the bull shit. I am tired of proving myself to her and I am done with everything. She claims that we could never stop talking to each other because we have too much dirt on each other--well I don't give a shit, never gave one to begin with, now that I think about it. She can say what she wants, I don't care. Most people think I'm some kind of lesbian bitch whore anyways. What other vicious things can she spread about me that people don't already believe? It seems as if most people have huge misconceptions about me already, so what's a few more. Now, besides being a bitch, lesbian, and slut, I can be....what? What else can be lied about?

I'm through with this shit. Now I only wish I knew a way of getting away without ruining Christmas for everyone else.