Things used to not egg on me like they have recently. But back then I had a steady job, a gorgeous pay check every two weeks, and a healthy social life. Lately, not so much. In fact, I seem to have reverted back to my panic-attack-almost-everyday state. Sometimes, I've had multiple panic attacks (or is it just one with a slightly less panicky hour right in the middle?) in one day. I've been angry at myself, unhappy with the direction my life has been going, and my brother and I seem to have regressed to having physical altercations again (although hopefully I've put a stop to that--no, he isn't dead).

I had a disgusting, horrible argument online the other day. I don't know if the other person (well, someone else got dragged in there so I guess I mean persons) thought it was as bad as I did, but for me, it was downright disgraceful. I have always prided myself on being able to separate my emotions from what happens online. IT'S JUST THE INTERNET. However, because of my own negative feelings toward myself, I felt the need to drag the both of us through the mud, down the creek, and off the edge of a cliff.

This is NOT acceptable behavior.

Nor will it ever be.

I have always had many faults, and oftentimes have been rather indulgent of the less harmful ones (hello candy!) but giving in to my awful temper is not something I will ever be proud of. Giving in to my own negativity is not what I want to become.

I have finally received a response from an employer regarding a resume I sent out. I don't think this will be a very well-paid job, but it is a job and it will help me pay my bills and for that I am thankful. I take that it happening today, after a series of poor behaviors on my part over the last few days, is a sign that I need to take control of myself and strive to turn over a new leaf. Several years ago I fought very hard to get to a point where I liked myself, and I am not going to slip back to that hateful cycle again.

I am going to start this by making amends and apologizing for my behavior. Bubbles, and everyone else in startrek_diary, I am sorry for my spiteful behavior and for taking out the frustrations I had with myself on you. Regardless of my own views and feelings, I need to be better about respecting others, and that includes not only who I am conversing with, but with those who are privy to that discussion. Accountability begins with the self, and I cannot expect others to be accountable for their own mistakes if I am not accountable for mine. Sam, I am sorry if I made things difficult for you. I'd like to think that I am not that negative person who gave into her anger at herself and took it out on others, but I am and I should always be on a constant movement to improve and change that.

Furthermore, I am going to once again concentrate on transforming myself. Self-improvement never stops and by just thinking that I would be able to remain positive without striving to create a positive environment, I have been working against myself.

I am going to:

• Go to the hardware store and learn how to fix my curtain rod properly and then I am going to buy the necessary supplies and fix it myself.
• Walk outside at least once a day and take a deep breath and enjoy the world the God has created.
• Keep my living space neat and tidy because a cluttered and messy outside is indicative of a cluttered and messy inside.
• Research what fruits and vegetables I can grow in my own garden at home as a means of seeking a more sustainable food source. What I can't grow I will buy from farmer's markets, local sellers, or reputable non-local sellers.
• Answer the phone and return phone calls in a timely manner. Social interaction is necessary for happiness.
• Stop yelling at my hamster because that is kind of sad and pathetic and probably why she doesn't like me very much.
• Research long-term volunteer positions, possibly with Heifer International, so that I may help others in need.
• Refocus my educational efforts and be more present in my school work.
• Find ways of refocusing my anger once again and relearning to not direct it at others.
• Tell myself I am beautiful and that I like myself at least once each day
• Be more kind and encourage others to pay it forward, rather than back at myself.
• Get control of my spending
• Explore my city.
• Write more.
• Stop envying others' successes and privilege.

Pride is tomorrow, I am going to go and have fun and celebrate tolerance. After that I am going to attempt to expand my knowledge about the views of others--starting with y'all. Tell me about your faiths, and how your beliefs have helped shape you. I'm making a list of people, deities, and belief systems that I want to learn more about.

It feels so good to feel like myself again.