I need to go to bed. I have class and kickboxing tomorrow and I won't be home all day. But the longer I stay online talking to people, the longer I feel as if what I'm doing here is worth something, that my existence is valid.

No, I'm not suicidal or dangerously depressed, but I'm not happy with who I am. I'm not happy with where I am. And every moment spent talking with these people who love me and think I am amazing makes me think that maybe one day, this wonderful person they know and myself can finally meet and then we can be one person. I don't know who this amazing girl is, but I want to know her. I really want to know her. Because I lost sight of her some ways back, and I just can't find her. Sometimes I catch glimpses of her, but I've never been able to run up to her and grasp her hand and keep her.

I miss her. I miss the girl that didn't bat an eyelash when she knew what she wanted. I miss the girl that chased after her crushes with wild abandon, never considering rejection. I miss the girl that talked to trees and thought her cats could fly. I miss the girl that wanted to be everything and knew she could be anything. I miss who I used to be when I was a skinned-kneed seven year-old with rubber bands in my hair. When I raced through my small world knowing I would conquer it, not caring if I didn't. Somewhere deep inside of me is that little girl with the pink roller skates who sang out at the top of her lungs while bopping her head with her eyes closed to the fact that she was being watched. Now all I can ever see is the eyes looking at me. I'm conscious of my every action and I want so much to possess that lightness I once had.



I am doing this Radical Self-Love thing with Gala because I miss that girl. And because it's so painful that I have to stop every few sentences in Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters to whisper to myself, 'That's true; that's so true.' I want to love myself. Wholeheartedly. Fully. Unabashedly. Unconditionally. The End. Happily ever after.