Title: Rumors Amok
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairing: McCoy/Kirk
Rating: PG-13
Notes: For a prompt from st_xi_kink: A fic based on this. Un-beta'd.




"Something wrong Jim?" Leonard McCoy asked, as his captain slinked as surreptitiously as he could into the seat across from him in the mess hall.

James Kirk leaned forward and eyed their fellow crewmembers suspiciously. "They're staring at me, Bones."

His CMO glanced around casually and leaned into his friend and whispered, "You're the captain. GET USED TO IT!"

Captain Kirk jerked away and slunk down even further into his seat. "Keep your voice down! I'm trying to keep this under wraps."

"Keep what under wraps?" Uhura asked as she and Spock settled next to the couple.

Kirk rolled his eyes and motioned dramatically. "What do you think, Lieutenant?"

"Are you guys talking about Kirk's walk of shame this morning?" Sulu joined the conversation as he and Chekov sat down next to Uhura.

"I saw him running down ze hall with nothing but a pillow!" Chekov added enthusiastically.

"Actually, that was my crumpled up shirt, and I'm right here, so could you please stop talking about me?"

"Keptain!"

"Captain!"

"Umm...uh... We were actually talking about the uh..."

Sulu looked towards Chekov and appeared to have some sort of facial spasm as he tried to cue his navigator into helping him.

"Hikaru? Is there something wrong with your face? If you are having muscle spasms, I can take you down to sickbay. You don't think it had anything to do with what we did last night--"

"I AM NOT HAVING FACIAL SPASMS!"

Uhura burst into laughter and Spock raised his eyebrow. "Fascinating."

Kirk glared at his first officer. "Really now?" he intoned. "Tell me, Commander... Just what is it that you find so fascinating with this whole clusterfuck of a situation Mr. Spock?"

"Instead of avoiding conversing about the subject at hand and allowing rampant rumors to overrun the ship, a more logical course of action would be to address such blatant untruths yourself and immediately dispel any speech that may be negatively impacting your authority as captain," Spock stated.

"So you are saying....that I should just tell the truth?"

"Precisely, Captain."

"Jim," Kirk corrected automatically, looking off distantly in some form of pseudo-thought. "Okay then."

"Jim, whatever it is you've not thought about doing--don't do it." McCoy growled.

"C'mon, Bones! It's not just me they're talking about here."

"Fine. Do whatever it is you're going to do. Just don't expect me to patch you up after it blows up in your face." Kirk opened his mouth to respond. "And no, it blowing up in your face is not going to be anything like last night." Kirk shut his mouth.

"Fine then. Have it your way, Bones." Kirk straightened his uniform top and stood, clearing his throat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have been made aware of an egregious rumor circulating about..." He trailed off as he noticed no one was paying attention to him. "Um... CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?"

"Of course, Keptain!"

Kirk glanced down and grimaced. "Thanks, kid. But I need more than just, well..."

Chekov stood and smiled cheerily. "Don't worry, Keptain. I will take care of it."

"No really, kid. I don't think..."

"May I hawe your attention please?"

The mess went silent.

"Thank you. The keptain has an announcement he would like to make." Chekov sat--no, bounced--back into his seat and nodded at Kirk. "They are all yours, Keptain."

"This should be good," Uhura muttered.

"I'll uh... I'll see you guys later. I've got things to do in the med bay. I'm a doctor, not a--"

A hand settled on McCoy's shoulder as he tried to exit.

"Just hold on right there Bones. I'm going to make this alright again."

"Really Jim, you don't have to."

"No... no. I will. Trust me."

"Dammit Jim. You really don't have to."

"Yes. I do." He cleared his throat. "Now it has come to my attention that some rumors have cropped up concerning--"

"Hey, Captain! NICE ASS!"

"WoooooooHooooo!"

"That's Captain FINE to you!"

"Oh, god." Kirk rubbed his temples, suddenly cursing his damn good body.

"Look, okay! Let's get some things straight," he snarled angrily. "Yes, it is true that last night I went to Doctor McCoy's quarters. We've been friends since our Academy days. Friends are allowed to spend time together when the two of them are off duty. Which we both were. Two friends, just drinking and being friendly. End of story. Nothing to say here. That's the whole thing. Now go back to your lives and start some better rumors about me." He glared at the entirety of the hall before breaking into a grin. "Like...let's talk about my unbelievably sexy body and how easily I dominate all others in the bedroom."

"How about how you dominated the Doctor in the bedroom?"

Kirk made a mental note to personally assign Ensign Ricky to the next insanely dangerous away mission.

"I didn't..." Kirk found himself floundering again. "We're just friends," he finished weakly.

"So does that mean that the Doctor dominated you?" Lieutenant Riley called out.

"Yes! I mean--No! We did not have sex!"

"Well then what do ye call it, captain?" Scotty teased. "Certainly wasn't a sandwich!"

With that comment, the entire mess hall erupted into raucous jokes and snide whispers.

"Of course it wasn't a sandwich! It was..." Kirk fought for words, belatedly realizing that he had lost complete control of his crew.

Nurse Chapel grinned and leaned in towards Yeoman Rand. "Really? By the sounds coming from Doctor McCoy's quarters last night, I would have thought..."

"WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX!"

"Well you know, Christine, just last week Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy disappeared into the Doctor's office for over an hour..."

"So that's how McCoy got his nickname! Who would have thought?"

Kirk tried vainly to recapture everyone's attention. He turned towards the young Russian. "Chekov! Can't you do anything?"

Unfortunately, Chekov was too busy discussing fencing of all things with Sulu to notice his captain's distress.

McCoy rolled his eyes and groaned. "I'm out of here," he muttered.

Spock raised his eyebrow.

Uhura rolled her eyes and muttered something about "incompetence."

Kirk tried once more to allay the situation. "We didn't have-- Oh screw it," he muttered. "We didn't participate in intercourse! I just..." He grimaced and resigned himself to the truth.

"I SUCKED HIS COCK!"

The mess went silent, everyone gaping at the captain.

"Fascinating," Spock murmured and returned to his salad.

"Oh, like you didn't know that would happen." Kirk hissed.

"If you are implying that I purposely goaded you into confessing the private aspects of your personal relationship with Doctor McCoy to the entire crew for my own enjoyment, then I assure you, cap--"

"Oh just shut it."