The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.

--James M. Barrie

In this Diary
The Ataris

Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
And that unspoken feeling of knowing
Right now is all that matters
All the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80's songs;
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, "goodbye."
Get on the bus, it's time to go.

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.

--Ursula K. LeGuin

So Long, Astoria
The Ataris

It was the first snow of the season
I can almost see you breathing
In the middle of that empty street
Sometimes I still see myself
In that lonesome bedroom
Playing my guitar and singing
Songs of hope for a better future

Life is only as good as the memories we make
And I'm taking back what belongs to me
Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrance
Are just like shipwrecks
Only they're gone faster than the smell after it rains

Last night while everyone was sleeping
I drove through my old neighborhood
And resurrected memories from ashes

We said that we would never fit in
When we were really just like them
Does rebellion ever make a difference?

Life is only as good as the memories we make
And I'm taking back what belongs to me
Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrance
Are just like shipwrecks
Only they're gone faster than the smell after it rains

So long, Astoria
I found a map to buried treasure
And even if we come home empty-handed,
We'll still have our stories
Of battlescars, pirate ships and wounded hearts
Broken bones and all the best of friendships

And when this hourglass has filtered out its final grain of sand
I'll raise my glass to the memories we had

This is my wish and I'm taking it back
I'm taking 'em all back

Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough, You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

--James M. Barrie

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." Douglas Adams spoke great truths when these words formed themselves into this one sentence. Looking back, a year ago, four years ago, seven years ago, this was not where I would have seen myself. And yet, I feel this is where I belong. I have found my niche and, regardless of whether I actually like it or feel it is the right fit, it is where I belong. This little pigeonhole of mine is awkward and uncomfortable. It is out of the way and, thus, often ignored. It is oddly shaped and I'm pretty darn sure that there aren't many people who would want to find themselves within its confines and yet, to me, despite all of its unfavorable, adverse, and antagonistic traits, it feels right. No one else may want my hollow, but to me it's home.

There's something comforting in always being able to predict what's going to happen. At the same time, it's exciting to know that you can never be right 100% of the time. It's this uncertainty that has led us, each and every single one of us, to the place in our lives in which we now reside. No matter how much we may moan and groan about how hated it is, if given the chance to find a different little alcove in life, many of us would hesitate--because of the familiarity of the discomfort.

But our own personal cubbyholes are also home to our hobbies, our friends, our quirky little habits, our memories. These are the things that shape us into who we are today. So, let's face it, these things are a necessary part of who we are.

However, finding that little oriel to inhabit is hard. It's like trying to buy a mattress. While many people may try out any given model, only a small handful will actually buy it. The number of customers who are completely pleased, who believe that their new mattress is perfect, is a small digit. But once you find that mattress (wherever it may be lying), it will feel right. You'll pay your money, haul it home, wrestle it onto a bed frame and then try it out. At first, it doesn't feel right. But why? It was flawless in the store. So what's wrong with it now? I'll tell you what--absolutely nothing. We're just not used to being completely satisfied. Because of this, when we are, we'll make up things to try to make the mattress seem less perfect. It doesn't change the mattress, just how we think about it. Niche finding is like that. Once you find the perfect one, you want it to feel wrong. You make up things in your head because you can't believe how perfect it really is. You've done it; I've done it; we've all done it.

Our little nooks are never where we expect them to be. Life takes us in many directions. It tosses us weird curvy balls (that's what she said!) and pushes us and pulls us and throws us every which way. In the end, we are where we are. We may not have expected to come there, but the universe in all its glory has brought us to this place because this is where we belong. The people, places, and events that cross our paths will all help and serve us in finding our own identity and adapting our niches, but there is no guarantee that those same people, places, and events will be there from one moment to another. Life is unexpected and it may do unpleasantly unexpected things, but it all happens for a greater good.

I'm happy with my niche. Are you?