Title: I'm a Doctor
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairing: Bones/Kirk
Rating: PG-13-ish???
Notes: For a prompt from st_xi_kink: Five things Leonard McCoy is a doctor instead of. (For instance: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a contortionist!") Un-beta'd and my first fanfic in about two years and first fanfic for this fandom.




I.

The first time, he had chalked it up to Jim not thinking. That sort of thing did tend to happen a lot. He just grabbed Jim's wrists and flipped him over and performed his duty as a man. The second time he wasn't so tolerant. He had to be in the infirmary in just under two hours and had no intentions of humoring his captain. So when nimble and well practiced fingers ghosted down his spine and headed for "the final frontier," he jabbed his elbow against Jim's face and and growled, "Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor, not some horny female you picked up in a bar," and went back to sleep.



II.

Of course, Jim never begged. Most times, he didn't even bother asking. When he wanted something, he went for it--no questions asked. He certainly didn't mind--hell, most days he was usually up for whatever Jim wanted to do. Today was not one of those days.

He should have known, from the way Jim's eyes had glimmered when he had sauntered into the medical bay. And really, all of those warning bells in his head should have gone off the moment the words, "Hey, Bones. I want to ask you something," were uttered out of that disgustingly smug mouth. James T. Kirk never asked for anything.

"What?" he had growled, without even looking up from his work.

"You've got to come to my quarters right now."

"That's not a question."

"Well, I'll ask you the question when we get there."

Really, with that sort of statement, he should have been suspicious enough to avoid Jim's quarters for the next week. But Jim wouldn't leave him alone, and he had work to do. And well, the man did have a talented tongue...

So against his better judgment, he had followed Jim back to his room. But no matter how good Jim was with his mouth, Leonard McCoy was not going to do this.

"No."

Jim smirked at him. "Oh come on, Bones." He shook the thing he was holding up. "You know you want to."

McCoy turned and walked towards the door. He had work to do.

"Aww, come on Bones!"

He turned and glared at Jim.

"I'm a doctor, not a nurse."

And walked out.



III.

Jim was a man. And even though he was getting his much desired sex, it certainly did not mean that he was always willing to play the woman for his beloved Bones.

"Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a blow up doll!"



IV.

"Hey, Bones..."

McCoy glanced at the datapad Jim held up.

"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a contortionist."



V.

"Dammit, Jim. This isn't funny. Why'd you have to go and do the right thing for once?"

The away mission had not gone well. The civilization they had encountered was unexpectedly hostile. When the fighting had broken out one of the natives had aimed some sort of phaser at Chekov and Jim had heroically pushed the kid out of the way. The subsequent blast had landed him here.

Everyone else on the away team had minimal injuries. Jim Kirk had not regained consciousness since returning to the ship six hours ago.

The rest of the ship was asleep, leaving McCoy to hover nervously over his captain.

"Dammit, Jim..." he growled again. "Wake the fuck up already. This isn't funny. You're a hero, okay? The kid's going to be worshipping you for the next month. Get up."

For once, James Kirk said nothing.

McCoy swallowed hard. He needed a drink; all he had was one very unconscious, very beautiful starship captain.

"Look--I know you don't much care for all that emotional stuff. Neither do I. But--there's things I need to tell you Jim. I loved my wife very much, didn't think I could feel that way for another ever again. And I don't. With you, for you...I feel more. I'm not saying I love you or anything like that. Just...don't die, okay? Wake up and don't be dead, Jim. I've done all I can. It's up to you now. I'm a doctor, not miracle worker. Now wake the fuck up."



VI.

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing, apparently." He glanced at Bones. "My doctor's ordered me away from any physical exertion whatsoever for the next week," he added, with a rueful smile.

"Jim..." McCoy growled as he gently shoved his captain against the wall. "For just once, tonight...I'm not a doctor."

He attacked Jim's mouth, his hands traveling none-too-gently down his body, careful to avoid his injuries.

Jim smirked. "Hey, Bones," his hands started pulling McCoy's shirt up, "what you said, back in sickbay--"

McCoy froze.

"--me too."

He pulled Bones' shirt over his head and started on his pants. "Now get undressed. That's an order."