I'm back to trying to finish my NaNo novel! I am so excited to be working with such a psychotic character again....Emily just absolutely fascinates me. I can't wait to get this thing done, and I know I have to at least finish it (even if it is months too late) if I'm going to have the guts to tackle another one come November. This time I will not end up in the hospital! This time I will write my 50,000 words and then some! This time I will not become so engrossed by a mentally derelict character! This time there will be sanity! And less murder!

Anyways...I've edited it a bit to fix some of the misspellings and absolute grammar no-nos that were absolutely slaying me as I was desperately trying to reach 50k. I've added a bit to it in some parts and I'm happy to say that my word count is merrily sitting at an 11,630 words and fixing to get up off it's butt and CLIMB.

Blah....so anyways, here's what I've gotten done. I hadn't put some of the more (well, then) recent entries to Emily's little letter/diary spree, so there is some new stuff at the end that you may have not read (if you had been reading at all), and I added some at the VERY beginning and, of course, as I mentioned before, edited the middle section some. Enjoy.

From One Devil to Another

“Is that it, Mom?”

“No, Abigail. That’s not it.” Her mother is amused. Her daughter’s been asking the same thing for the last hour, and while it’s certainly annoying, it’s still charming nonetheless.

“Well is it that one?”

“Abigail, trust me, you’ll know it when you see it.”

“But how will I know what house it is if I’ve never seen it before?”

“Trust me, honey—you’ll know.”

But Abigail isn’t so sure. Hasn’t her dad always said that she can’t trust her eyes? That she has to be able to look beyond what lies on the surface—to see past the book’s cover, as he had said. But if that was the case, then any of these houses could be theirs. When she tried looking past all of their ugly exteriors, any one of them could be…well, castles.

She hadn’t really wanted to move at all. She had liked their old apartment. She had liked the kids on their floor. She even liked old Mrs. Hatch next door and her seven cats! She didn’t understand why they had to move.

“Because,” she could remember her mom saying earlier that week, “your father has been offered a great new job, but he has to move in order to do it. We’re going to follow him and live in a big house—it’s as big as a castle. You’re going to be like a little princess!”

She had sounded so excited then, Abigail hadn’t had the heart to say that she didn’t care about being a princess if she had to move. She’d rather stay where she was and just be plain Abby.

Abigail stared out the window of their car. She didn’t want to be a princess! She was happy in their apartment on the fourth floor of the building. She had liked traveling into the heart of the city with her mom every other weekend to shop and have “girl time.” This place…this was cow land, and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t see past the heifers.

What about her friends? Who was she going to play house with? She didn’t know anybody here. How was she going to make friends? She didn’t know the kind of games cow land people played.

As if reading her mind, her father laughed. “Don’t worry Princess Abby—you won’t be lonely for too long. I hear the family next door to us has a daughter about your age. You’ll become fast friends.”

She liked it when he called her Princess Abby—that was his special name for her. Only he called her that. It was because she was his special girl—he had said so himself. Whenever he called her that, she automatically felt ten times better.

They turned a corner on the bumpy dirt road, and Abigail saw her palace. It easily dwarfed the smaller ranch house that stood a bit away from it. It had a beautiful wrap around porch, large windows, and—

“Oh, Daddy! There’s a stable! Can I have a horse?”

He laughed again, full and hearty, “Anything you want, princess. Anything you want.”

Her euphoria quickly wore out however, when she looked around.

“Daddy, where are all the other people?”

“This isn’t the city, princess. It’s a small, almost rural town—“

“Does that mean we’re going to be farmers now, Daddy?”

“No sweetheart, it doesn’t.”

They pulled up to the house and Abigail noticed a girl playing in the yard of the house by theirs. “Is she the only other girl here?”

Her parents looked back from the front seat where they were talking about big person stuff. “No. There are other kids here, Abigail. They just don’t live as close to us as she does. The houses are really far apart here. She’s just the closest one to us.”

“But who am I supposed to play with?”

“You can play with that nice little girl next door. You can be twin princess together.”

“I don’t want to be a princess if I have to share with her.”

“But then who will you play with Abby?”

Abby took one glance out the window, turned to her parents again, and then bounded out of the car.

#


September 1

Abigail, I miss you. I'm not going to lie. I really, really miss you. Ever since we moved, anywhere I look, I'm reminded of you. Do you ever think of me? Can you? Please...I just wish I knew how you were.

School is dull. Complete bore-zone. The new school district has weird requirements and so I'm really ahead. It feels great being the smart one for once. I don't have any friends yet. Well there is this girl named Mary in my Physics class, but I really don't know...it just seems so wrong to replace you, y'know?

The new house is big—almost too big. I don't like it. But then I do. I have the whole upstairs to myself. And yeah, it is BEYOND creepy living in the ATTIC...but you know what? I kind of like it. It reminds me of when we used to spend our summers in that tree house in your backyard. That was so much fun. I don't think I'll ever forget that.

I don't think I'll ever forget you. I miss you. I wish you were here.


#


September 4

I was flipping through channels the other day and Star Trek was on. I think that was the only not perfect thing about you. You were a total Trekkie...what a dork.

I tried watching it, but fell asleep. I never could get you.


#


September 4 (again, haha!)

Sorry to be writing you so much. I guess I'm just bored. I don't really have any friends. Except Mary. She called me yesterday. Said she wanted to hang out. I told her no. I'm never going to replace you.

I went to the mall instead and bought half a closet worth of clothes. Dad's been pretty lax about giving me money lately. Maybe he feels sorry for me or something?

I'm really bored.


#


September 6

Well I guess you want to know why I've been writing you. I mean we both know I'm not the type to just sit down and scribble stuff down.

After everything happened and was all over, Dad and I moved away. We’re in Harberston now. We're staying in a two-story house that's too big for just us. I get the whole upstairs and attic to myself. It's strange to have so much room, but it's kinda nice. I feel free here.

So yeah...like we moved and then dad wanted me to see this shrink lady. And I really didn't want to hurt his feelings so I did. Well I am. She said that if I wrote you, it would make me feel better. I don't know how, she kind of spouted out this weird psycho-babble that was insanely bogus, but I was like, whatever I'll try. So I am. And here we are. Me. You. Me writing you. Pretty insane, isn't it?

Anyways, Doctor Jenaway (that's the shrink's name, Kathy Jenaway) told me that if I told you about my everyday life, I would find "inner peace" or some weird hippie emotion. So....here goes.

I wake up at 6. I eat, take a shower, get dressed, pretend that I’m gathering up whatever homework I didn't do, and then go to school. First period is European History. Completely snooze-worthy. Then I’m off to second, which is choir. I basically hate everyone there; no one is near as good at singing as you are. Third is Trig, you know I hate that. Fourth is Physics. That's with Mary. Fifth is Economics...you can imagine how I feel about that. Then sixth is English. My teacher's a total hack. Thinks he's cool or something. God I hate people like that. Why can't they just get touch with their old generation or something? Just...ugh...I can't even talk about it, y'know?

Of course you know. You know me better than anybody else. You are like my best friend. BFF's forever, right? Remember when we used to walk to school together. We always used to talk about how one day we could drive there. Well now I can. I got my license last week. But it just feels wrong driving to school without you there to talk to and stuff, so I just walk anyways. I know...totally insane, right?

I was thinking of stopping by your house over the weekend, to show you my car and that I could drive without slaying twenty trash cans...but I forgot--you don't live there anymore, do you? It's so weird. We’ve lived right next to each other since we were kids, and now neither of us are even in that town anymore.

But I'm going to stop this letter now, because me hand is getting tired and stuff. I would e-mail you, but you're e-mail doesn't work, which really sucks. Maybe I'll type out my next letter and print it out. Whatever, I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Bye.


#


September 8

Mary asked if I wanted to go to some party with her. I wanted to, but said no. See? I'm not replacing you, Abigail.

For lunch, they served macaroni. I'm pretty sure the cheese was fake.

After I got home, I watched some TV. Now I'm writing to you (instead of writing this really stupid paper my English teacher assigned). He's really creepy. I think he may be a pedophile or something. Today he kept asking me how I felt and if I was doing okay. It was so creepy. I really wish they would try harder to keep freaks like that out of schools.

But back to Mary—today she was wearing some really weird clothes! She said she just got them back from the cleaners and that she usually dresses like that--but it is so weird! She was wearing some frilly little dress with a poufy skirt and one of those little sweaters (I think they're called cardigans...I don't know!) and some insane platform shoes with the heel-part cut out of the platform! She looked completely crazy. Who in their right mind would walk around in something like that?! Like, geez...I just wanted to tell her to get a clue or something because this is not the seventeenth century or whatever. Just weird.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only normal person around here.


#


September 10

Rain today. Remember when you and I used to dance in the rain together when we were little kids?

Dad made me go to the mall today with Mary. He says I need friends. Obviously he meant beside you, of course. Because all I need is you. But for some reason he seems to think that I need to "connect" with the other kids here. He just doesn't seem to understand that our bond is so strong it can traverse the distance between us right now. I promise I’ll see you soon.

When Mary and I were at the mall, she told me about the frilly junk she keeps wearing. I told her I didn't care and that she looked like Little Bo Peep. That got her mad. She complained that what she was wearing was “fashion" and that she wasn't some maid or doll or whatever. I just stopped listening to her. If it had been you, you would have laughed at my joke. Mary is nothing like you. I had a miserable time.

Well. Okay. It wasn't so bad. But it would have been way better if you had been there.

I'll come visit you soon!


#


September 11

Okay. Maybe hanging out with Mary wasn't so bad. I'm probably going to have to postpone my trip to see you to. Dad says that I'm finally starting to get "settled" and now he won't let me out of his sight. He seems to think that if I go off on my own for one second I'm going to disappear or whatever. He's so crazy. Maybe he's right.

I feel like I've lost a part of myself, Abigail. I miss you so much. You were my other half. It was always just the two of us. I had a built in friend wherever I went. Now I have to make all new friends. (Not because I want to, but because Dad wants me to. I could never replace you.)

Mary wants to go to a local concert tomorrow. I told her I couldn't because I already have a friend that I go to concerts with and it is completely not your fault if you're there and I'm here and we can't go anywhere together anymore. She got mad and stalked off. But then she fell over because she tripped on the stairs because she was wearing those stupid shoes again. She kind of reminded me of you then. You were kind of clumsy. You tried to hide it so badly because you were perfect little Abigail, but you were so clumsy it was insane.

Except—it's kind of eerie. She looks like you, you know? She has the same brown hair, the same brown eyes. I know that those features are completely common, but something about her reminds me of you.

I'm sorry, Abigail. You probably don't want to hear that. I won't send this letter to you. It would just make you sad.


#


September 15

Rain today. Thought of you.


#


September 16

Happy Birthday, Abigail.


#


September 20

I went to the mall again with Mary. I guess I can be friends with her and still be friends with you. It just feels so weird to not be spending this year with you.

Mary and I had to give a presentation today in Physics about forces. It was insane. You would have loved it. She embroidered the equations for Newton’s laws on her skirt and we used it as a visual. She's so amazing. She makes a lot of her own clothing. She's so creative. I wish I were more like her. I feel so plain around her. Not like when I would hang out with you. You always made me feel cool. Maybe I'll ask her to make me a skirt tomorrow so that I can be cool like her. She's so original. I feel so plain.


#


September 25

Mary and I went to see that new indeed film. It was amazing, Abs. You would have loved it. The ending was so unpredictable. I could completely relate to the lead female. Except that I'm not crazy. But other than that, we are completely alike. Only I would never kill my boyfriend. Well, maybe I would. I've never had one, so I don't know what it's like, y'know?

What do you think? Do you think you would ever kill your boyfriend? I know if I was dating a guy as amazing as Sam, I would rather kill myself than kill my boyfriend. Haha, I'm so insanely funny, aren't I?

We have to do a stupid journal project for English. I asked if our journals could be in the form of letters to an imaginary friend and the hippie-pedo teacher said he didn't care, so I'm just going to keep writing letters to you and turn that in! Aren't I brilliant?

I bought a new necklace today. It's a little diamond-encrusted strawberry. Okay, so the diamonds are fake, but you get the point. Do you know why I bought it? Because it made me think of you! Do you remember how we picked strawberries together at your aunt's three summers ago? I do. It was so much fun. I want to go back this year. Maybe I'll take Mary and you can get to know her.

I told her about you. She thinks you sound really cool. I told her I would never let her meet you, but I was lying. Maybe I wasn't. She's so insanely amazing, I'm a bit afraid she'll steal you away from me, haha. But you'll never leave me, will you? You'll always be around for me.


#


October 10

Sorry I haven't written you. I've been kind of busy. I got a cold (very small cold, so don't worry!) and then Mary and I were doing things. Not fun stuff though—like you and I used to do—just boring stuff. Like going to the mall and seeing some insanely stupid movies and doing some crazy stuff. Not the cool stuff you and I would do, like hang out at the pool and walk down to the gas station and get ice cream cones. Except that we haven't done that in years. Not since we were kids. But still.

Dad likes his new job. He's working as editor at the Harberston newspaper, the Harberston Gazette. Total bore. I took the SAT's last Saturday. I don't think I did too well on it, but I think I beat your last score. No hard feelings, though. Don't feel bad if I beat you.

I'm thinking of joining a club. Remember how we used to joke that clubs were for losers who didn't actually belong anywhere, and that if you needed a huge group of people to make you feel happy you were just a loser? Well I guess I'm a loser. Mary's in the art club and I'm thinking of going to one of those meetings. But only because I know it's something you and I would never do together. I only do stuff with Mary that you and I would never do.

Except...she invited me to the beach on Saturday. You and I used to go to the beach every chance we got. And I miss the beach. But I don't want to go without you. I'm going to end up going. I'm also going to end up not sending this letter, so you'll never know. I feel bad about that, but I'm sick of not being able to do stuff just because you're


#


October 13

Sorry I haven't written you. I've been busy with school work and stuff. Nothing's new here. I'm not even having fun. Not with Mary, not with anybody. You don't have to worry because you'll always be my friend.


#


October 14

You're not reading my letters are you? You'll never read them, will you? I hate you.


#


October 17

Halloween's almost here, Abigail. Only you aren't. Remember last year? We were matching bumble bees. This year Mary and I are going to be zombies.


#


October 30

You’re not reading my letters, Abigail—no matter what Dr. Jenaway says. There is no way you are reading my letters.


#


November 2

Halloween was fun Abigail. I ditched Mary (bet you like the sound of that!) and hung out with Dad. We went to all the haunted houses in the area. I was so scared, I didn’t sleep a wink. Not even last night.

And do you know what? I think I’m going to stay up tonight as well. I kind of like Abigail. Isn’t that crazy? Only not crazy, crazy—just kind of fun crazy.


#


November 3

Do you remember last year at Halloween? We went to all those haunted houses—but I wasn’t scared an inch. Want to know why?

It’s because you were there, Abigail. You were my protector.


#


November 4

Mary’s mad. She says I was a bitch to ditch her like I did. I told her that I already had a best friend. She said I was acting juvenile. I hate her. Well, okay…maybe not hate. Only crazy people hate perfectly nice girls. And she is perfectly nice. She’s one of those people that’s so perfect you want to kill them, but can’t because they are that perfect. Like you, Abigail. I wanted to kill you. You were so perfect. And I was just me.


#


November 6

I take that back Abigail. I don’t want to kill you. I don’t want to kill Mary either. You two just make me so angry sometimes because I feel so plain around you guys.

Mary apologized for calling me a bitch yesterday. She said she was just angry because her cat had vomited all over her fancy frou-frou dress. She gave me some huge, oversized head bow with a ton of lace on it and said that it looked perfect on me because of the shape of my face. I told her that I had no idea what I was supposed to wear a huge, oversized bow with and she said that she had some off-brand dresses she was willing to give me. And you know what, Abigail? I kind of like how she dresses. She wears these lace covered dresses with poufy skirts and she looks so pretty. She says it’s a fashion style from Japan—like she’s some kind of Japan-expert or whatever. Whatever.

Still…I like it. Does that make me weird?


#


November 10

They still haven’t found who did it, Abigail. I don’t think they ever will.


#


November 12

I fell asleep during the ACT today Abigail. But I don’t care. I don’t want to go to college. I just want to go to Japan with Mary and wear fluffy clothes. No offense, I know we never wanted to do stuff like that, but Mary’s just a different kind of crazy than us.


#


November 14

Mary gave me those dresses. They are so pretty. She says that if I save up money, I can buy brand name designers and the lace won’t be as scratchy. I hadn’t noticed that there was anything wrong the lace, but I think I was supposed to. So I said that as scratchy as the lace was, I would cherish these dresses forever because she gave them to me. Just like that, all dramatic and such. Then she laughed. She said I was crazy. I had to stop and point out that no, I wasn’t the crazy one…she was. She just laughed harder. See? Crazy, Abigail. Crazier than we are.


#


November 17

Abigail, I miss you. I miss having class with you. I miss skipping class with you. I miss walking to school with you.

Mary is great, but she’s no you. I hate it. I hate her. I wish she were you and that you were here and she was not.

No. I don’t mean that.

Yes. Yes, I do.


#


November 20

Please come see me Abigail. I miss you.


#


December 3

Christmas is coming. Mary has been really busy because she sings in the choir. She’s actually choir president. So she’s been really busy. But I’ve already said that. I wish you were here.


#


December 5

Today is Mary’s big Christmas concert. I wonder if she’ll be any good. I’m sure she won’t be as good as you. You sang like an angel. You had such a pretty voice Abigail. I remember watching you perform at the Spring Talent Show. You and Sam sang “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.” You guys were so great together. But you shone. I’m sure Mary won’t shine like you.


#


December 10

I went driving today Abigail. I usually don’t; I actually hate it, really. But for some reason today, I loved it. I felt so free, Abigail. I haven’t felt that way in a long, long, long, long time. It felt nice.

I was driving along and I saw this lady. She was running along the road, Abigail—just running. And there wasn’t anything even close to being graceful about her, but she looked…divine. She was wearing a dark red running suit and she was kind of flailing her limbs about, but she looked so happy and at peace. I think in a way, we’re all like that—don’t you think? We all look so awkward in our dark red running suits, just flailing our arms around and looking like complete fools, hoping that we are becoming great. I think if we were all just to stop and trying to be so perfect and just realize that we look like a horrible red mess…maybe then we could find happiness or some kind of strange, peaceful perfection.

I feel so nostalgic lately. It’s all so bittersweet. Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn…I’m reminded of you. I wonder, do you ever think of me where you are? I can’t help but feel as if the world’s forgotten me somehow—like I was never important enough to bother being remembered. But not you, Abigail…no, not you. They remember you. They’ll always remember you. It’s because you’re good and kind. I wish I were good and kind so that I could be remembered. Maybe, by remembering you, in their own way, they are remembering me.

I wonder.


#


December 11


“Happy birthday, Emily.” I wish you were here to say that to me now, Abigail.


#


December 12

I never did tell you how Mary’s concert went, did I, Abigail? I’m sorry. I’ll tell you now.

First, the beginning choirs sang and they were really horrible—absolutely monstrous. I wanted to cover up my ears and never hear another sound again. The men’s choir forgot their words; the women’s choir forgot their rhythm. Both choirs forgot how to sing on pitch. There was no harmony…no music at all. It was just a bunch of jumble—really painful jumble. It was absolute anarchy. I was terrified that when the mixed choir got up to sing they would be just as bad. Because then Mary would ask how I liked it and I would have to lie and you know that I can’t lie, Abigail.

The mixed choir opened up with a soloist. It was Mary. It was beautiful. Oh, Abigail…I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything like it before. It was so beautiful. She had the voice of an angel. The sound of it washed over you, as if heaven had been bottled up and then poured out on top of you. Her voice was so serene and confident—but not showy, never showy. She wasn’t up there to show off. She was up there to show the entire audience the world. The voice rang out—true and clear like a familiar face in a crowd of strangeness. And then, right when you thought there was no way to get any closer to heaven, the choir came in. Only, they didn’t just come in. They slipped in…quietly, unnoticed. Softly. They slipped right in under her melody and as her song swelled, they came in at full might. The harmonies and the unanimity…it was bliss. No—not even bliss. It was like the hand of a mother falling on your head as a child after you’ve skinned your knee. It was the sound of your father’s voice when you thought you were lost forever in the toy store. It was the touch of a friend when you thought you had none. It was…everything. And then, just as you thought so much of you was filled up that there could hardly be room for more, just as we all felt as if we were going to burst from the sound of it…it ended. Just like that, leaving the entire audience feeling as if they had just taken part in the most wondrous thing. It was amazing.

I wish you could have been here to experience it yourself, Abigail. I wish…

While I was sitting there, listening to her sing…it was almost like I was looking up at you on that stage.


#


December 15

Finals are almost over! I can’t wait for school to get out for the winter holidays, Abigail. Maybe I’ll get to see you. Probably not…but still…

I’m really worried about my Physics final tomorrow. I’m just panicking. Mary’s fine. She says that she’s worried, but that she doesn’t think there’s anything she can do about it so why bother. I wish I was Mary. I wish I could be as smart as Mary. Maybe then I would find it easier to say things like that. Maybe not.

I think I’m just meant to worry, Abigail. No matter how I try to get around it, I am at my best when I am most stressed. Isn’t that crazy? I just can’t not be freaked out though.


#


December 17

Finals over…I better start praying.


#


December 18

It’s so close to Christmas I can taste it. Everywhere I go I can feel the taste of yuletide joy on my tongue. It makes me miss you even more Abigail. This will be the first Christmas we spend apart.

I bought Mary’s present yesterday. I found an old volume of A Little Princess, and I thought it fit her perfectly. It’s one of those antique leather-bound type books with gold letters on the front. It’s so amazing, you would love it completely.


#


December 20

Mary and I are going to a party today. She’s lending me one of her frilly dresses. Well…okay. It’s not too frilly. She says it’s from this brand called Metamorphose and that it’s their “Ornament print.” I honestly don’t see why it’s called that—there aren’t any ornaments on it. It’s just this kind of delicate, floral lacey print thing. I’m not saying I don’t like…the name is just weird.

But it’s not like I’m suddenly all into her weird fashion all of a sudden or anything. You don’t have to worry, Abigail. I’m not changing. I’ll still always be the same person.


#


December 21

The party was great. No it wasn’t. Yes it was.

I don’t know.


#


December 24

I don’t care what Dr. Jenaway says. I know you aren’t reading this. How can you? I miss you Abigail. I miss you I miss you I miss you. I miss you more than I miss anything else in the world. I wish you could come back. I wish I could see you again. I know I can’t, but I really, really, really want to—more than anything in the world.

Why did you have to leave me?


#


December 25

I’m lonely Abigail. I’m not complete without you. I need you here. You made me a better person. You were so good to me. Why did you leave?


#


December 25 again

I hate you. It’s your fault I feel this way. It’s your fault I’m not enjoying myself. It’s your fault I feel miserable this year. It’s your fault that I can’t be friends with Mary. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I’m glad I’ll never see you again because I hate you that much. I hate you for being so perfect all the time. I hate you for always being smarter than me. I hate you for being prettier than me. I hate you for dating all the guys I wanted to date. I hate you for having all the clothes I wanted. I hate you for having the family I wanted. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

I hate you for being so great. I hate you for not being there for me now. I hate you for missing out on the rest of high school with me. I hate that you’re dead. I hate that you died. I hate you for not being alive.

There.

I said it.

You’re dead.

Dead to me, dead to the world. You are dead to all of us.


#


December 27

Dead.


#


January 7

I hate you.


#


January 22

Hate.


#


February 27

Dead Hate


#


April 14

Abigail, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I guess with the holidays so close, you being gone just about killed me. (Sorry, sorry….I know, bad pun.)

Around Christmas time I stopped seeing Dr. Jenaway, I think that really affected my mind set. I just hadn’t realized how much she was helping me deal with losing you.

I’m seeing her again, twice weekly, and I’m going to be doing so for another month. After that, she says that she thinks I will be able to “fully cope with the loss of my dear friend” on my own. What bull. I don’t think I’ll ever be used to not being with you.

I’m doing better now, though. I did kind of lose it, but Dad was there to help me out. Dad and Mary.

Yeah, that’s right…Mary. She was so amazingly supportive once I told her what had happened. She came by every day and put up with so much hell from me and didn’t even so much as bat an eyelash. She was absolutely perfect. She says she wants to be a psychiatrist one day and was glad that she could be such a help.

I guess the only reason I really had so much trouble with the being friends with her is that I was just so terrified that I was going to replace you. Now I’m beginning to realize that there’s no way I’ll ever lose what we had.

But that’s just what it is. What we had. Now I have to look at What’s to Come.

Mary is here. In a way, you are too, just not in the same way she is. I really don’t think that you would hate me for wanting to be happy.

I miss you, Abigail. But I don’t hate you.


#


April 20

Yesterday Mary and I went shopping for our dresses for Prom. Big surprise—I didn’t find any that looked good on me. Mary, however, looked radiant in everything she tried on. She’s a lot like you in that way. Actually, she’s a lot like you in a lot of ways. I think you would have liked her Abigail.


#


April 27

Mary and I decided we’re going to skip Prom. Instead, we’re going to a show for some Japanese band she likes that’s touring over here. She says she thinks I’ll like them, so whatever. I didn’t really want to go to Prom anyways.


#


April 30

Dr. Jenaway says that maybe all of my pent up emotions may be what cause me to have my “little” emotional breakdown last Christmas. Maybe she is right. I have really missed you, and at first I felt very guilty becoming friends with Mary. I guess that all kind of built up… The whole combination of Christmas, when we would do so much together, and Mary, and you not being here…I really missed you. I still do.


#


May 1

Do you know how I felt when they said you were missing?

Confident.

I just knew you were going to be okay. How could you not be? To me, you were my world. I honestly felt like you had to be okay. You always seemed so untouchable to me, like you were in some whole other plane of existence.


#


May 3

I drove to school today Abigail.

As I crossed the bridge by Harkins Street, the sun peaked out of the clouds and I felt that everything was going to be okay. I just knew it. Everything is going to be just fine.


#


May 10

Mary and I went to a tea shop today. She made me eat some weird scone-thing. It was disgusting. She must be insane to like that kind of stuff.


#


May 11

Do you remember how we met Abigail?

I do. I’ll never forget.

I remember when I first saw you. I was playing outside in my front yard with my dolls and my new dollhouse. You climbed out of your parents’ car with a stuffed cow in your arms and came right up to me. “My name is Abigail,” you said. “You look lonely. I’m going to be your new friend.”

And, up until a year and a half ago, I was never lonely after that.


#


May 13

The band sucked. They were loud and screaming and dressed in drag and wearing too much makeup. I hated them. Mary loved them. She’s crazy to love something like that.


#


May 17

I’m done with school! Well, done until September, anyways.


#


May 20

I wonder what you thought of me all those years ago. Did you really think I was lonely? Did you come up to me that first day because you felt sorry for me? Or were you the lonely one?

I thought you were…magnificent. You were excitement; you were adventure. You came and spirited me away from my old life faster than a changeling is stolen from her crib. You transformed my life from dull and monochrome to remarkable and Technicolor.

I was five at the time, but I don’t think I’ve ever been the same since that day.


#


May 21

This summer I will not be going to the pool. You know how much I hate going to the pool by myself, Abigail. I love swimming; I just really, really, really prefer not to do it alone.

Mary hates water. She hates swimming. She hates pools. She hates bubble gum, too.

It’s times like these when I miss you the most.

I remember the summer when we were twelve and spent the whole three months becoming “Prune Monsters,” as your mother called us.

I miss doing that kind of stuff with you now.


#


May 30

Everyone here is so crazy, Abigail. Not like you and me. We’re one of a kind—sane.


#


June 3

Dad says I should get a job. I told him I would, except that you’re not around to work anywhere with me. Sorry for using you as a scapegoat, I just really don’t want to work. I want to spend the whole summer with Mary.


#


June 4

I managed to convince Mary to go to the beach with me tomorrow.


#


June 15

Abigail, did you know I was always jealous of you? There has never been a time of time in my life when I haven’t been.

I remember when we were children. You seemed to always have this bright light emanating from you and it only seemed to get brighter the older we got. And I wasn’t the only one who saw it, either. Everyone saw it and they gravitated towards you just so that they could feel your warmth. All I wanted, all I ever wanted then—all I want now—is just to be like you. To be filled with a light like that, that’s what I want most in the world.

Mary’s like that, too. All she has to do is smile and people move towards her. She’s charming—so were you. I wonder what it would be like to be trapped in a room with the two of you together. I imagine I would be stuck in a corner, ignored. That’s how it was when I was with you, that’s how it is when I’m with her, that’s how it would be if you two were together.

I miss you Abigail, but some part of me can’t help but feel relieved that you’re gone. It gives me a chance to be noticed.

Except that I’m not. Noticed, that is. Because I’m with Mary now. I can’t be noticed when I’m with Mary. Because she’s you, only—she isn’t. She’s Mary. But she’s you.

She’s Mary—she’s like you, but she isn’t.

She’s you.

She’s Mary.

Oh God…she is you.

You’re Mary. She’s you. Mary is Abigail. Abigail is Mary.

No no no…

I hate you, whoever you are. I hate you Abigail, you ruined my life. I hate you Mary, you’re ruining my life. I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you I hate you I hate you

No I hate her.

No I hate you.

I can’t hate you, you’re Abigail.

No, yes I can.

No, I can’t.

I hate Mary. I hate you. You are Mary. I hate you.


#


June 18

I’m sorry about that Abigail. I just…I just wish that I could somehow compare to you. I’m so sick of living in your shadow, I feel like I’m never good enough. You, on the other hand, are perfect—were perfect—whatever.

I was always so jealous of you, you know? You always had better grades, more friends, cooler clothes… You were the person I always wanted to be. I wanted to be you.

When I lost you, I had no idea how I was going to cope. In a way I guess, I had allowed myself to live vicariously through you. And then you were gone. I almost died myself. It was like I lost myself. Even now, I’d do anything to have you back.


#


June 19

I have a dog Abigail. Dad got me a dog. I hate dogs. I named it Abby, after you.


#


June 20

I walked the dog with Mary today. I hate the dog; Mary’s not much better—seriously. All she ever wants to do is talk about herself.

She has an audition coming up. She hope’s she’ll do well. She knows her music but she’s very nervous just the same. She picked so and so piece because she likes its composer.

She just bought a new ruffle butt dress. She just got her fluffy skirts dry cleaned. She is thinking about buying this skirt because she loves that brand and she thinks she deserves it for all of her hard work.

Honestly, at least the damn dog can’t talk. You would think by the way she talks that the world revolves around her. Geez…it’s so annoying. I really hate her.


#


June 21

I went to the mall today. Actually, I went to the bookstore inside the mall. There was a book there I wanted to buy, but then I decided not to al the last minute, so I just sat at the café reading it instead.

There were two girls there who were so annoying. They kept talking and giggling—it was so annoying. I wanted to take one of the coffee stirrers and stab them until they lay bleeding on the floor with their intestines slowly flowing out of their bodies and their eyes were glassy.

But I didn’t—because that would be crazy and I’m not crazy.

But they just kept talking and giggling and squealing and I hate them. Girls like that, I mean. I hate girls like that. I want to kill them all.


#


June 22

Mary and I went to buy shoes today. It was fun. I bought some new lace up boots. They’re black. I really love them.


#


June 23

Went back and bought that book I wanted.


#


June 30

I finished the book. I hated it. I bet you wouldn’t have liked it either.


#


July 1

Yay! It’s July!! Boo! June is over!


#


July 4

Happy Independence Day, Abigail. I miss you.


#


July 5

I miss you Abigail. I sepnt the Fourth of July with Mary. She isn’t as fun as you.


#


July 7

I spoke with Sam today for the first time since your funeral. He’s doing well. I think he really misses you though.


#


July 10

Mary and I went to go meet more frilly clothes wearing people. She called it a “meet up.” Those girls are really crazy—like, seriously deranged.

They’re all so mean and elitist and have huge double standards. They treated me like I was crazy. Me! You and I both know I am perfectly sane and normal and not crazy. No…definitely not crazy.


#


July 11

Mary says that I was very rude to her little ruffle butt friends. I told her I didn’t care and that they were all just a huge group of you know what word that rhymes with witches. She said that I am an over judgmental snot who needs to get off of her high horse because I’m not that nice anyways. Can you believe that? I can’t stand her. She’s just so vile sometimes.


#


July 18

I woke up today with my right shoulder insanely sore. I have no idea why. It’s so crazy…it hurts to use it. It’s such a tragedy…haha!


#


July 19

My shoulder still hurts today—I don’t know why. Mary says it’s because I’m a vicious little tart. I hate her.


#


July 21

My shoulder doesn’t hurt today—yay!

I walked Abby with Mary today. I’m not mad at her anymore. I’m sure that won’t last for very long though. She has a way of always making me so angry. It’s probably because she’s not you.

But that doesn’t matter because it’s not like I’m trying to replace you with Mary. Well…only, it is. But it isn’t. I’m too sure anymore. It’s kind of like you and Abigail are blurring together in my head.

No.

You’re two different people. No. You and Mary are blurring together in my head. No. You are two separate people. No. You are Abigail. Not Mary. Not Mary. Abigail. Not Mary. I can’t forget you’re not Mary. You’re Abigail. You are Abigail. Not Mary. You’ll never be Mary. Mary will never be Abigail. Abigail. Mary. You’re two separate people. Not the same…not at all. Mary is not Abigail. Abigail is not Mary.

Mary.

Abigail.

Abigail.

Mary…no, Abigail.

I’m confused now.


#


July 22

I’m tired Abigail. So, so, so tired…all I want to do is sleep forever. Maybe I’ll see you soon.


#


July 29

It feels as if summer has just flown by Abigail. Nothing feels real anymore. I wonder where you are right now. Do you miss me?


#


July 30

Mary and I went shopping for prom dresses again today. She says she’s looking forward to it. I don’t think I am. I don’t think I really like dances. Anyways, I don’t know why she’s bothering to get all excited about Prom when we haven’t even gone to Homecoming yet. She’s says she excited because we’re finally seniors and we’ll be graduating and she has a “beau.” Apparently she met him through yoga. Although what kind of guy does yoga is beyond me…real guys certainly don’t. I feel sorry for her because he’s obviously gay. He’s into choir and musicals and he does yoga. What kind of guy does all those things and isn’t gay?

I guess I’m just a bit let down because I miss you. This was supposed to be our senior year! We were supposed to go shopping for the prom dresses. We were supposed to be excited about having “beaus.” It was going to be you and me and Sam and even though he was dating you he was going to take both of us to prom just like we had all promised. It was supposed to be us. Not Mary and me. Not even just me. You. Me. Sam. Just like that.

You ruined it for me.


#


July 31

I ate Cap’n Crunch today, Abigail. Eating it made me feel like a kid again.


#


August 1

Summer is almost gone Abigail. I’ll miss it.


#


August 3

Mary went to the movies with her “beau” yesterday. They saw European Thug. I asked her about it, but she says she doesn’t know if it was any good or not…whatever that means. Sometimes I just don’t get her. She’s absolutely bonkers.


#


August 15

Abigail, I ate Raisin Bran today. All day. There was nothing else to eat—absolutely nothing. If this continues I think I’m going to starve to death. I need good food! Dad please go shopping!!!


#


August 16

I went looking for school supplies with Mary today. It was….fun? Interesting? I didn’t want to do it…


#


August 17

I don’t want school to start! I want summer to go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…


#


August 18

Okay…maybe I don’t hate Abby. She can be kind of cute sometimes.


#


August 19

I was going to buy a book today…I was short three cents. I think the store clerk thought I was some kind of delinquent or other. It was so crazy. I really hate people like that. They think that something’s wrong with you just because you’re young. It’s so stupid.


#


August 21

Mary is working on her audition pieces for college. She wants to apply early to New York University. She asked where I wanted to go. I honestly don’t know. I feel like such a failure. She seems so sure of her path…and I’m just not. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.

Of course not…how could anything be wrong with me?

Right?


#


August 22

I sent a letter to Mary today. She thinks that kind of stuff is quaint. Whatever—like I care.


#


August 24

Sense. Sense. Sense. Sense.

Mary says I lack any sense. She says that I’m a fool with no sense. Maybe I’m just a fool with no cents—or a fool with no scents. Or maybe I just need to be sent.

Or maybe Mary needs to shut the heck up before I kill her. Haha…I’m so funny!


#


August 25

Happy Birthday Sam!


#


August 26

Mary and I ordered some ruffle clothes today. I wonder if they’ll get here before school starts.


#


August 30

Should the death change the diner?

Seriously, though…weird question, I know…but take it seriously. After you die, do your eating habits change? Do you eat at all? What’s up with that? Just…wondering, Abigail.


#


August 31

Mary is such a little you know what.

Abby peed all over the floor in the kitchen and it was absolutely disgusting. And, of course, since she is my dog I have to clean it all up. Is Dad forgetting that I wasn’t the one that wanted her? Geez…


#


September 2

Mary is so egregious! I cannot stand her. She just flounces around acting like she’s so great and whatever. I just can’t stand her!


#


September 4

I hate school. That’s it. I just hate school. Homecoming is in a month. Maybe I’ll find myself a “beau” by then.


#


September 5

Do you know how I felt when I first found out that you and Sam were together? I mean, here was this great guy, and my best friend, and I should be happy for them, right? Wrong. I was anything but happy for you. I mean, it wasn’t exactly your fault, but I felt robbed. Honestly, robbed.

I had liked Sam for so long and had just been waiting to get up the nerve to speak to him and then suddenly out of nowhere he asks you out. How was I supposed to feel about that? And then, the worst part of it all is that you come to me and ask me if it’s alright. What am I supposed to say to that?

“Hey, Em…I have something to talk to you about.”

“Okay Abs—what’s up?”

“Um…well I know you really like Sam and all but I kind of like him to and with all fairness he asked me out first and blah blah blah…”

“Oh sure Abs you can have him, it’s fine. I’m happy for you guys.” Actually, no. I hate you right now. I’ve liked Sam for a long time and you’ve known that and you know that I’m just too shy to talk to him, why do you always steal stuff from me, huh?

“Oh great, I knew you’d be alright with it. Sam was worried but I told him no, that you’d be absolutely cool about it and I was right!” Oh, because you’re always right. And clearly I am not alright. What kind of friend is honestly going to be okay with something like this?

You broke my heart when you started going out with him, Abigail. But honestly, I’m glad at least that it was you and not someone else. The way I saw it, at least if you were dating him, I could see him often. I just wanted to be with you.


#


September 6

Mary and I made ‘smores today. We got marshmallow and chocolate everywhere. It was so much fun.


#


September 7

I walked Abby again today. She tried running in front of a speeding car. What a stupid dog.


#


September 10

I miss you, Abigail. I’m not going to lie. I miss you. They still haven’t caught the jerk that did it. I hope they do. I really hope they do. He deserves whatever’s coming his way.


#


September 15

“I’m your number one fan.”

God…I love that movie. It gets me every time. It’s so crazy. I heard it’s based on a book. I want to read that. I think it’ll be insane. It seems really good. I mean, the book’s always better than the movie anyways, right?


#


September 16

I decided I’m not going to leave school today. I’m just not going to leave. I refuse to leave. I have this paper I absolutely have to write; otherwise I’m going to fail English. I need to write it and I haven’t even started! It needs to be at least five thousand words, too! I just won’t leave until I’m done with it.

I guess I’ll be here for a while.

I wonder if Abby will miss me.


#


September 17

I never did finish that paper Abigail.


#


September 18

I think I’m failing my English class. I guess I should have done that paper. I’m failing Math too. Whatever.


#


September 19

What are you doing, Abigail?


#


September 20

Mary has stopped dreaming about Prom long enough to force me to go Homecoming dress shopping with her. I told her there was no point in going because I don’t have a date and she told me to shut up because it didn’t matter.

So I bought a dress. It’s greenish and I actually kind of hate it but it reminded me of you so I got it anyways.


#


September 21

I heard that by forcing yourself to write, you release all of the crap inside your head so that later you can write something brilliant. Isn’t that insane, Abigail?


#


September 22

I’m going to force myself to write something. Maybe then, one day, I’ll become great.


#


September 23

Still writing…still not great.


#


September 24

Writing sans greatness…when is it going to come?


#


September 25

I give up. I’ll never be great.


#


September 26

But I’m so sick of being ordinary. I just want to be…I don’t know…amazing.


#


September 28

Mary’s ditched me. She’s going to Homecoming with Sam.

Yes, Sam. Your Sam. My Sam. Apparently they know each other—through yoga class. They know each other through yoga class. Yes…that yoga class. Apparently, Sam is her “beau,” and has been for quite a while too…but never them mind telling me. Oh no…why would anyone want to tell Emily anything?

Mary knows Sam. Sam knows Mary. Sam Magnant… Sam—your singing partner, Sam. Sam, our friend. Sam; Sam your singing partner Sam. Sam, your boyfriend. Sam, who should be my boyfriend—not hers.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

I hope she dies. I want to kill her.

It’s not fair. All this time I’ve liked him. All this time I’ve been waiting for him to get over you. All this time I’ve been waiting for him. And now he’s dating her. Just like he dated you. I hate him. I hate her. I hate you. I hate all of you. I want you all to die.


#


September 30

Why does the world hate me?


#


October 2

What did I ever do? I honestly don’t know what went wrong. It was all going so well. It was going to be perfect. I was going to be perfect. What did I do wrong? I don’t deserve this.


#


October 3

I forgive you Abigail. I can even forgive Sam. It’s not your fault that he fell in love with you, we all did. You were just incredible like that. It’s not his fault he fell for you when you were so amazing. I can’t blame him for that.

I can blame him for falling in love with that superficial little tart, however. I hate her and nothing is ever going to change that.


#


October 4

Sam is vegan. Mary is thinking of being vegan. I’ll never be vegan.


#


October 5

I’m thirsty Abigail. I feel like I’ve never had anything cool touch my tongue ever before. I think I’m dying Abigail.


#


October 6

I went to a coffee shop today Abigail. I hated it. Those people were crazy. Honestly, if you have a job and you don’t like it—quit. Or stay shut up about it. Don’t complain about it in front of the customers. Honestly…people are just so crazy nowadays, you wouldn’t believe it.


#

October 7

Please come now, Abigail. I think I’m falling down somewhere bad and I’m trying to escape, but I’m failing miserably. I’m so scared. I feel like I’m six feet away from the edge of this great cliff and that I’m about to be pushed off of it and no matter what I do, I’m going down. And I’m looking down and I’m so scared.

Lately I just keep reflecting on my past mistakes. The things I said to mom before she died, how I’ve treated Dad and Mary and Sam…but mostly what I did to you.

I just wish there were someone here who could hold me now and let me know that six feet isn’t so far down. I honestly believe that there is still something in the world left for the two of us to do together…something for you and me, and just you and me. You and me, Abigail…just you and me.


#


October 8

I went driving today Abigail. And I found this beautiful little bridge and couldn’t help but wish that you were standing here with me. You were always reaching out to me. I want to share my memories of our times together with everyone—the whole world. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone but that I’m still surrounded by you and only you. As if we were the only two people in the world who mattered.

I think we are.

I’ll show you what you mean to me. I’ll show the whole world what you mean to me. You were always telling me to keep on dreaming and thinking about my future and I’ll show you what that meant to me. I’ll show you. I’ll show them. I’ll show everyone.

You’ll stand here with me, won’t you Abigail? Watch me change the world.


#


October 9

Homecoming’s tonight but I don’t care. I’m not going. Video killed the radio star...after all.

But seriously, Mary came into my life and broke my heart. I am just so sick of her. I’m so sorry I ever tried to replace you Abigail. I’ll never do it again. From now on it’s just going to be you and me…forever.

I am seriously sick of that girl. She is always parading around in her expensive little girl dresses and acting like she’s all that jazz and a bag of chips. Do you even know what she calls her “fashion” (if you can even call it that!) Abigail? Lolita…yeah. Like some kind of sex fetish thing or whatever. You would think that with a name like that she would show more skin while wearing it, but instead she looks like this huge prude muffin. Her skirts are all knee length or longer and her arms are always covered at least to the elbows. She doesn’t even show any cleavage! What kind of sex fetish girl doesn’t show cleavage? The simple fact alone that she wears such weird stuff in the first place should have keyed me up right away to the fact that she is full of insanity. She says its cool in Japan. Whatever. She’s such a Japan wannabe. It’s honestly seriously pathetic.

And then she’s weird about her grades too. She does well, insanely well, as a matter of fact, but she never wants to tell anyone. That is just so weird. I remember that when you would get a good grade you would parade it around for everyone to see. I mean, that’s just what you’re supposed to do.

And then we have Sam. Sam…I have to save him from her clutches. There is no way that I am going to let that crazy little trollop keep pawing all over him. He was your boyfriend first. Obviously, he should belong to me now. He’s mine…and she’ll never take anything from me ever again. You did…look what happened to you.


#


October 11

I love you Abigail! You gave me such a great idea today! I’m going to start suggesting that Mary and I take walks together. Hehe…of course you remember our little walks—don’t you? I certainly do. Especially the last walk we ever took together. I’ll never forget that. That was the best walk of them all.


#


October 12

Mary and I went on a walk together today. You would have loved it Abigail. Mary was so excited she was all crazy and everything.


#


October 13

Oh God, Abigail. Do you know what I was thinking today? Do you know that I promised myself on your grave that I would never think about it again? That one time…that was more than enough for me. Abigal…oh Abigail…I don’t know what to do anymore. I am panicking…please, can you hold me in your heart? You were so good. You kept me good…up until a point.


#


October 14

I thought more about that thing Abigail. If I think about it tomorrow, I’m going to go to church and pray and go to…no—I can not go to confession.


#


October 15

Dear God…dearest Abby, please, whoever is listening…please stop these thoughts. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to go back there. Please…please just make it stop.

Oh God Oh God Oh God

Oh Abby…Abigail, please…no.


#


October 16

Please, I’m begging you. I didn’t mean to. Leave me alone. Stop following me around! Go away! Just go!


#


October 17

Why are you following me? Why won’t you stop? What did I do to you?!


#


October 19

I want to go home. I won’t feel at home again until I’m home and feeling right.

Home is not here. Home is not this place. This Place isn’t right. This town isn’t right. This school isn’t right. This house isn’t right. This dog isn’t right. Mary isn’t right.

Mary.

Mary.

Mary.

Abigail it is Mary’s fault. Mary is you. You are Mary.

It’s your fault Abigail. All of this is your fault. I hate you. I hate you more and more and more and more everyday.

I hate you.

You are Mary.

I hate Mary.

I hate her I hate her I hate her

I hate you I hate you I hate you

Hate hate hate

I hate this town.

I hate this school.

I hate this house.

I hate my dog.

I hate Mary.

I hate you.

I’m going to destroy it all and it’s your fault.


#


October 26

They know. Oh God…they know. They have to know. Why else would they look at me like that? Oh God they know.

What am I going to do Abby? You’re already dead.


#


October 27

I’ve got to get out.


#


October 28

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up shut up
Shut up shut up
Shut up shut up

Shut up.

Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head.

You’re not real. You’re not real. You’re dead to me. You’re dead dead dead to me.


#


October 30

I’m tired Abigail…just so tired. All I want to do is sleep.


#


October 31

Do you know what it is like—to feel so completely lost? I feel as if no one is there for me anymore. I feel so lost and alone. Why aren’t you here for me Abigail? I used to always be able to count on you. I miss you so much Abigail. I wish you were here.


#


November 1

I went to the movies with Mary and Sam today. I hate her. She’s taken everything that should have been mine. I can’t stand her.


#


November 2

What should I do Abigail? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.


#


November 3

You’re mocking me—aren’t you Abigail? You know what I’m going to have to do, too. I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how yet.

It can’t be like last time, Abigail. That just won’t work out. They’ll know what I did if I do it like last time.


#


November 4

They know. They have to know—how could they not? I can see it in their faces. They have to know. I’m as good as dead.


#


November 5

What am I going to do Abigail?


#


November 6

Mary asked me why I’m being so squirrel-y lately. I told her I had just not been feeling well.

I’m sorry I ever tried replacing you Abigail.


#


November 7

Abby’s missing. Just like you Abigail…just like you.


#


November 8

Sam said he’d help me find Abby…he said he’ll go looking for her every day until I find her.


#


November 9

I’m scared Abigail.


#


November 10

Sam went looking for Abby with me. We still can’t find her.


#


November 11

Sam and I talked today. Our conversation:

Sam: “Are you angry I’m dating Mary?”

Me: “Of course not. Why would I be angry?”

Sam: “You were angry when I started dating Abby.”

Me: “No I wasn’t.”

Sam: “You were. You always said you weren’t, but we could tell it upset you.”

Me: “I wasn’t—“

Sam: “I know you like me Emily.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.


#


November 12

Do you think Sam would blame me if anything happened to Mary?

He blamed me when you died. He blamed me when you went missing. He blamed me then. Will he blame me now?

He said it was my fault. Do you think it was my fault? I don’t know. I was the last person with you. That comes with a large amount of guilt, you know. Maybe I should have taken you home instead. Maybe I should have taken better care of you. I didn’t think anyone would be able to blame me—but they did.

They said I was wicked, Abigail. They said I was a “malcontent.” They wouldn’t listen when I said I loved you and that we were best friends and that I would have given my life to protect you.

They didn’t believe me then. They don’t believe me now. I can see it in their eyes. I hate them all.

They said I was jealous of you. They said I secretly harbored an intense hatred for you in my heart. They said I was obsessed with you in a very unhealthy way. They said I wanted to destroy you because I felt you had stolen away everything in my life. They said I had “malicious intent.” They said I was mentally unstable.

As if. Total lies.

I am completely sane.

And you know, I may have been insanely jealous f you. I may have thought I deserved every good thing that went your way, I may have hated you…but I would never have harmed a single hair on your head. I loved you Abigail. You were my best friend. I never wanted you to go away.

But you did. And your not here now…you’re never coming back.


#


November 13

I’m going to do it. I don’t have a choice. I can’t live like this. I can’t stand to see them together.


#


November 14

Mary and I are going on a walk today.


#


November 15

Soon, Abigail…I’ll see you soon.


#


November 16

They found Abby today. Someone snapped her neck and tried to cover it up. I hated her, but even she didn’t deserve that.


#


November 17

Dad says I’m out of control. He says he can’t deal with me. He says he’s working on getting my grandmother to take me in.

As much as I hate this place, I don’t want to leave.


#


November 18

I stole Dad’s gun today. He still doesn’t know I have it.


#


November 19

Good bye, Dad. I love you.


#


November 22

I’m coming Abigail. I can’t wait until I can see you. It won’t be long now.


#


November 25

Sometimes I wonder if maybe we aren’t here in this world together. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we’re all just on our own separate planes of existence, trapped in our own little worlds, our own small universes that just so happen to interconnect every once and a while with the other universes around us.

What do you think Abigail? Are we all here in one world? Or do we just intersect for a few moments in time?

I’m coming home soon Abigail.


#


November 30

It’s going to happen tomorrow.


#


December 1

Hello Abigail. I’m coming home.


Now that I'm done with Emily's version of events, I plan to insert a bit of Abigail's thoughts into it....and maybe a little bit at the end with Mary and Sam's thoughts on the whole craziness. I just have this vision in my head of Emily that I need to find a way to work in...I'm just not sure where it would fit. :\

And here's a link to the very first time that Emily's twisted little mind got clost to my journal: [link]

Obviously, her name's changed since writing that, as Abigail is now Emily and her friend is now Abigail, if that makes any sense. I'm not sure....I'm hungry, really hungry, and it's hard to think when I'm hungry.